TO THE WINDOW

As the holiday season approaches, winter weather is setting in here in Evanston. This weekend, we’re scheduled to get our first few inches of snow. I’m sure it’ll be nowhere near the walloping we got in Louisiana last January, but it’s a novel situation to me and Kechi. We’ve got our winter gear now—coats, hats, gloves, gaiters,  boots—but it’s unlikely I’ll get to use mine much, shut up in the house like this. That’s not a complaint, though. People keep telling me that it doesn’t snow here like it used to, but then in the same breath, they tell me that there still might be days when it’s so cold, I can’t even take Karate out for a walk without endangering his life. (Sounds like a blast.)

Karate is—well, he’s got a growth that needs removal and biopsy, and that’s going to be quite an expense. I’m just hoping it doesn’t drastically alter our travel plans toward the end of this year and the beginning of next. That is assuming planes are still flying and we have a (poorly) functioning government again.

There’s been a lot of activity this week, and I’m still in the process of clearing my head about it all, so forgive me if this post is a bit disorganized. Long story short: I am now officially on medical leave from Northwestern for the rest of this quarter and probably the next. This is not because my recovery from the surgery is going poorly. The incision is healing well, I’m keeping it dry, and over the past few days, I’ve regained a lot of strength and mobility in my leg and in the affected knee. Still, finishing a novel draft and revising for publication, attending my first-ever PhD courses as part of my program, furnishing and decorating a new apartment, and acclimating to a completely different climate while healing is… well, it’s a lot. Some would say it's completely crazy. Honestly, I still can’t believe I got the novel in on the Monday before surgery.

I’m so fortunate to be able to step back from my studies and focus on healing and my other work—in fact, more than I have been in my entire life. Having Kechi’s support and care at home, having a great team to treat me, and having enough financial stability to do this until March if I need to feels like a total miracle to me…. And yet? Making this decision hurts. I struggled mentally, emotionally, financially for so many years as I learned to write and got my first novel ready for publication, that coming into this program felt, in many ways, like wish-fulfillment or a brilliant dream. I told Kechi earlier today that taking leave from the program doesn’t feel like being awakened from this new reality, but it does feel like being disturbed in my sleep by jostling or a loud noise.

The last thing I want to do is endanger my recovery in any way. I’m doing everything my surgeon and the care team tell me to do, and that means I’m not allowed to bear weight on my left leg for a full six weeks after the surgery. (We’re about halfway through this period now.) I had originally hoped against hope that I could return to classes in the back half of the quarter, but I always knew in the back of my mind that it was unlikely, that I’d have to do everything over Zoom at least until January. Physical therapy promises to be grueling, though, and I’ll be attending on an outpatient basis three times a week. I can’t risk another fall, and one thing this process has taught me is that I definitely do not ever want to rupture a tendon like this again! This has been the most painful and protracted recovery of my life, and I’m lucky this is a temporary episode that I’ll be able to put behind me.

So! I am giving myself a little time to honor my sadness over this development without making it other people’s problem. That time extends through tonight, and maybe a few minutes tomorrow morning. There’s a ton of work to do apart from rebuilding my body. (I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m still somehow losing weight amid all this, which means I definitely have no room to slack on caring for myself and repairing my relationship with my physicality.) I’m awaiting the editorial letter for Dead End Boys, and I’m ready to get back to work on it. The draft I have is solid most of the way through, but it can be better. Much better, and it will. On the positive side, I’ll have more time to keep up with my Patreon and to write both fiction and poetry. I’m looking forward to that! I will likely also teach myself to do an impression of Jimmy Steward in Rear Window, so here’s hoping I don’t have to witness any murders across the street from my bedroom window.